3 posts tagged “rant”
Well I just bombed a biology exam I totally wasn't ready for. I studied but definitely not enough. I didn't even have a drive to study. I've been absolutely miserable all day. I'm constantly exhausted everyday. No matter how much sleep I get, within maybe 6 or 7 hours of waking up I'm completely exhausted and feel I could fall asleep if I sat down. Right now I'm fighting to keep my eyes open...and it's only 6 pm. A few months ago I was like this and had a lot on my mind and was just constantly worried. I think it's coming back. I hate trying to talk about it because the immediate reaction is ohh you're just a little stressed you're too young to be stressed you have no idea about anything. All I do is school and work and barely ever anything else. I never do anything. And you'd think with work I'd have money to do things, but no of course not. I haven't enjoyed buying something without feeling guilty about it in I don't know how long. Why does it have to be this way. I can barely afford to buy myself food or even an apple juice, which I've been desperately craving but can't possibly waste my money on, before my next paycheck. Welcome to freakin dirt-poor college life. I'm about to start getting ramen noodles to live on. I already eat pizza every other day because I get it for free from my friend and the best food right now is free food. I have $8 to get me to Tuesday...7 days away. I don't know, this sick feeling really hit me yesterday after drawing class. I was outside on the most amazing day ever sitting in the shade on the grass drawing a big old tree. Everything was perfect and I felt more at peace than I had in a long time. That's the kind of environment I need to inspire my writing. I always hate my drawing class but yesterday I didn't want to leave. Then it just slowly hit me. I got to work and just hit a wall. I was dead and trying desperately to keep a smile on my face. I've been completely exhausted ever since. But then again I think it's been starting since before drawing yesterday, I've just been trying to fight it off.
My eyes are burning like mad and my neck and back ache worse than ever sitting in this chair. I'm in the computer lab at school for another 45 minutes til the end of testing time...then I have to go back and lecture for an hour or two then do lab for an hour or two. I wanna go home so bad, but what would I do if I did? Probably sit at the computer feeling completely unfulfilled just like always. I hate feeling like my life is dragging me along without letting me stop and live it. I wanna do things! I hate money. Maybe this is all because it's getting cold and wintry...aka the time everyone gets depressed. I can't even put rational thoughts together here, my head and neck are throbbing like crazy. Not to mention some chick on one of the computers across the room is hiccupping every 4 seconds and is really getting on my nerves.
I'm gonna go lay on my back on a bench I think and set my phone alarm to wake me up when I have to go back. No guarantee I'll wake up but oh well.
I'm absolutely disgusted right now. I was watching the news ticker across the escalators at work today, which I tend to be way more interested in when I'm there, and saw a headline about something that happened in the news recently. A 14 year old boy in Pennsylvania was apparently planning to enact another school massacre. He was arrested Wednesday and was found to have in his possession a semiautomatic rifle and 30 other air-powered guns made to look like higher-powered weapons. There were knives, a bomb-making book, tapes of the Columbine shooting, and notebooks filled with hate. What is happening to these people? As soon as something like this happens it never stops. Why are people so filled with hate that they become so selfish as to believe it doesn't matter who they kill. Who they kill? So some kids pick on you. Why is the answer to this problem now to go on a massive killing spree and then commit suicide? What is resolved by any of it? NOTHING! The only resolution you have come to is that you're dead along with x number of people who didn't do a thing to you. I wanna know what goes through their minds. How do they possibly believe that doing such TERRIBLE things will make them feel BETTER? Or make bullies stop picking on people? It saddens me really, that things like this have students all over the country shifting uncomfortably in their chairs when they hear about another school shooting. Another one! Like it's some commonplace thing now! It could happen anywhere and that makes me sick. It just makes me sick!
Before I keep going with that I also want to mention that that semiautomatic rifle was bought for that kid by his mother, because he was unhappy. How could you do such a thing? Not that she was aware of what he was thinking to use it for, but the boy is FOURTEEN! I don't even think some adults are mature enough to understand what they could do if they have a gun in the house. You could kill somebody. You could KILL somebody. Kill. Do people even understand that word anymore? I'm not anti-guns but I do believe that most people who own one don't understand that they have extinguished a life. A life that wasn't theirs to take. I mean perhaps if it was in defense it couldn't be helped. I don't know, I'm getting tired and I'm just fed up with this kind of shit.
Something else though, I heard this morning I think that they're trying to get teachers to be paid to take some class that lets them be licensed to carry a gun around campus. Now tell me what part of that doesn't make you sick? I'm not saying it may not be what has to be done in this day and age, but that's just the sickening part...that it's what has to be done. It's what the American race has resorted to these days. Always living in fear. We live in fear of being attacked everyday even if we don't consciously know it, whether by some guy on campus or by a terrorist organization. It's sickening, and it needs to stop. I'm not antiwar at all, I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that if we hadn't gone over there to the Middle East, we would still all be completely safe just like we have been "all that time" before 9/11. The fact is we wouldn't be. We need to be over there. At least that's what I think anyway. But I've tired myself out with all that...it's time for bed. Long day of work ahead.
Somehow I knew today was too good to be true. It was all in the fact that once I got out of my drawing class I'd be free to come home and do some quality relaxing. But no, some crazy chick decided at the very last second to not go through the yellow light on the way out of the campus. At this point I was well prepared for her to have kept going so that I'd be the first in line at the light. But apparently that wasn't meant to be, as suddenly the chick just plain stopped, and I freakin plowed into her. WELL. Here I am ready to throw my recently acquired biology study guide out my windshield when I actually take a good look at her bumper. There wasn't anything there at all. Maybe two tiny scratches. Most of the jolt I must've felt must've merely been from me slamming my brakes so hard. So she gets out of the car, and naturally out of all the cars I had to hit it had to be the car of one of those chicks who just plain doesn't understand that anything could be her fault. She looks close to flipping out but instead looks at my front bumper and tells me I fucked my car up more than hers. So I look at it, and all I see there is a few scratches that were already there before this happened. Here I am thinking I'm about to get off easy, cuz there's no dents and barely any scratches on either car, when she's like ok I need your insurance information because if that needs fixed, you know, I gotta do it. I'm like dumbfounded. Fix...what, exactly? If she even screws up my insurance for two miniscule scratches I'll seriously lose whatever's left of my faith in the fact that I don't have all bad luck. Because I'm feelin pretty cursed right now. Not sure what cursed me, but I'll figure that out later. Honestly, I really don't believe in screwing people's insurance up over crap like that. Not to mention I was very apologetic. I was so ready to scream at her not to make sudden stops and make up her damn mind. I wasn't a problem at all. And I swear to god, if I get a call, I'm gonna whack something.
Anyway, tomorrow's my airport job fair thingy. I'm ready to smell that airport smell again. Such a great smell. It smells like travel in there. I wonder if after awhile you get flight discounts. I don't even wanna think about what would happen if that was true. That reminds me, I have to get the mail. By the way incase no one noticed, I personalized my layout. It's very black I know, but you still can't mess with the actual colors on vox yet. None of the other colors matched anything in my banner image..so black it is. Until next time.
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